Dreamless

I know that if I fall asleep in this state of mind, that I will dream uncomfortably. I will wake up anxious, in a sweat. I will not be happy. I feel like the anxiety is swallowing me again. Why am I so nervous? What is so terrifying that it must trap me in my mind like this. These dreams are bizarre enough to make me feel strange and weird, but I can never really remember them.

Just Be Proud of Yourself

I'm not a straight A student, but I'm in school. I get A's and B's. Every once in a while I do poorly but I make those grades up. I have a job, sometimes I call out sick when I'm bot so physically sick, but I have a job, and I get paid. I pay my bills regularly and rarely do I need extra time. I might cry a lot but there are many people I've lost, memories I will never recreate. I try not to dwell but I'll always cry when I need to. Sometimes I fear, I try to be brave but I can't always be as strong as you seem to want me to be. I'm cracking. I'm falling apart but I always seem to fund the glue and I get back on track. Through the sickness, pain, and stress, I manage. I've been to hell and back, I'd like you to back off. I don't need your judgments. For while we often walked right along side each other, you were never in my shoes and I was never in yours. You got help, you all got the chance to deal with it all. I pushed it all away for another time, because well it was never my time. Lately I've been all about me. I can't help it I always hurt, I feel trapped and desperate, I feel helpless and hopeless. I try to involve myself in the lives of others but right now my own issues have been consuming me. But I try. Its not good enough. Be punctual, responsible, smart, kind, polite, respectful, don't talk over others, don't ignore, don't forget to ask the right questions, be understanding, helpful, hopeful, be this and that. But never do you look at me, see ME and way, thank you for being yourself. Good job. Sorry for the obstacles but you did good. We're proud of you. We support you. We are here for you. You are good enough. Instead I get disappointment, regret, exhaustion, shame. You're giving up on me as if I was some drug addicted whore with a handful of illegitimate children I can't afford to feed and no hope of a future who only mooches and you can't handle it anymore. You've had enough of me. I didn't think I was that difficult. I thought I was on the road to success. Graduated, started college, maintaining a job of about four years, I have friends who love me, parents of friends who love me, and think I'm doing alright. I'm just fine. I'll just have to be proud of myself.

Absence

I want to speak with you. I see your name and the urge us there. One weekend and everything we had is lost. One kiss and then we went too far. We got ahead of ourselves and when reality hit you changed your mind. I feel like I'm bot worth the trouble. It hurts. I can feel your absence. What we had, will it be lost forever? Will

Waiting

Waiting is an annoying thing. Waiting to talk to someone you care about and having no way to do so and also having no clue when that person will talk to you. That's horrible. Not knowing why they can't talk to you or if they're even ok, that is torture. But here I am. Waiting for him to write to me. Its been a week since we last talked. Is this my own fault?

Forever Lost Without You

You were always different from the rest. 

So many have wronged me and ended up nothing more than a memory. 

There was always something more about you...

There was something more pure than what you let us all see.

There was a reason I never let you go.

I tried to push you away.

I tried to forget.

I tried to move on.

I tried so hard...

I could never successfully ignore you. 

I could never really get you out of my mind.

Even throwing my love at another wouldn't work. 

He was always compared to you.

From the moment we met in that Chemistry lab, I felt more than one Chemistry between us. 

We were meant to be in each other's lives, I feel that deep within my core.

I can't imagine not having you in my life now.

I can't imagine you not caring for me.

I could never neglect to care for you.

You are so precious to me.

You are my best friend.

My crush.

You are the foundation of my most recent fears.

You've bloomed before me like a delicate flower. 

Don't hide yourself.

Don't pull away. 

Don't be afraid. 

I need you now.

Because I am forever lost without you...

Realistic Dreams

Well I got that loud and clear. Sometimes my dreams don't make any sense but I just woke from a nasty one. It wasn't scary besides the scuba diving where I had improper equipment and almost drowned. I had to swim with little to no oxygen in my lungs to the very top! But that was at the very end I got out and woke up. Before all that weirdness it was me fighting with strangers and my sisters. I was trying to tell someone that I can cut hair and they were angry at me and putting me down and underestimating me. He pointed to Kat and said "Who did your hair young lady? I'd like to see them for my haircut." Awkwardly she pointed to me and I felt happy to have that on my side. After she said that he started saying, "Well actually there are a lot of flaws, look here and here, I can't have that." Later we were talking to some women who were going to grant us money as a prize and decided not to. We were going to make our case and I wanted to speak on our behalf but Jessie didn't think I could do it. They asked which of would like to speak after Kat said she didn't know what to say and I said I did, Jessie handed the keys over to Kat which in my dream meant that she was the one that would speak. I stormed off. I had $7 and that's how much the scuba diving at the aquarium was so I did that. Samie and Kat walked over to join me, I tried walking away they apologized, and this is when I went under water, freaked out cane up from the water and woke up. So basically I'm 20 and I'm tired of being treated like a child who isn't capable of handling anything. That dream made me so angry.

I met a guy my first year of college. He was weird, he was awkward, and he ended up becoming my best friend. Eventually after a few months of his crazy friendship, I realized I was in love with him, so I told him I kind of liked him. He didn't feel the same, we moved on and 2 1/2 years later I'm still in love with him. I've dated another guy, I was in a relationship but nothing can make me get over him. So I'm giving up on trying. I'm engaging in the friendship again full blown. And if I get hurt, I guess its worth it because having him in my life makes me happy. And making him smile or excited just to see me, that's worth the pain that comes from any rejection, I suppose.